Eliot Stein has passed :(

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Why am I such a fat idiot?

I shit the bathtub again. This time I was awake when it happened, but was so tired I didn't get out of the tub for like an hour. I need to get off the computer and go take a shower to wash the dried patches of fecal material off my fat body. I'm gonna do that as soon as possible. [lays down and jerks off; falls asleep]

I'm 2 sexy for this blog

Hey everybody. I went to Circuit City today and bought a new high-definition webcam. I'm thinking about linking to a live feed of me doing my daily activities around the house! In the nude of course. What do you think? Is that something you would all love to see?

Let me know via the comment section @ FuckAllConservatives.com!

I hate my sackless balls.

Today I had surgery to remove my necrotic nut sack. The doctors were unable to find usable skin elsewhere on my body to use as a replacement, so now my testicles are exposed. Words cannot describe the stinging horrible pain of bare nuts being exposed to open air. And they look like crab eyes now.

I'm going to lose my scrotum :(

My punkass smarty-pants E.R. doc must be overwhelmed with smug self-satisfaction right now.

Last week during one of my daily Emergency Room visits he noticed a sore on my scrotum, then proceeded to read me the riot act about my hygiene. He said that my body represents "a bacteriological super-ecosystem" and that if I didn't take immediate steps to change my lifestyle, I would (wait for it) die from infection.

Anyway, this morning I was jerking off when I realized that there was a painful spot on my nutsack. Upon further inspection, using a series of mirrors, I discovered a disturbingly black area on my scrotum. I vistited the ER and was told I have necrotizing fasciitis, an affliction that occurs when a hospital-bred superbug enters lesions on the skin and which causes tissue death. The doctor says I'll have to get surgery tomorrow to remove my sack, which has left me feeling pretty down :(

[tries to masturbate; loses conciousness due to stroke]

Mark Steyn is my hero.

I just can't get over how smitten I am with Canadian writer/hero Mark Steyn. At first I was wary, due to his obvious Reich-Wing tendencies, but he's really won me over with his stance on the whole Virginia Tech tragedy brouhaha. Mark Steyn and I both believe that guns aren't necessary to defend yourself against people with guns! The NRA crowd would have you believe that if we take all the guns away from law-abiding citizens, only the dangerous criminals would be in possession of firearms.

Well, so what? Mark Steyn and I both firmly believe that you don't have to own a gun to capably defend yourself, no matter how extreme the situation. Even if you're ambushed in a totally unexpected place or time, like when you're at church or school, you should be able to use your wits and whatever materials you have on hand to protect yourself; maybe even neutralize the attacker. Mark Steyn and Eliot Stein agree: Guns Aren't Necessary, Ever!!!

It's S-T-E-I-N, okay?

In the last couple of days I've had readers misdirected to my site when they misspelled my name on Google. Apparently there is a man named Mark Steyn who also blogs. I looked into this guy, and from what I gather he appears to be a Right-Wing Poisoner of some sort.

Although, like me he thinks it's okay to say disgusting things about young people, and also like me he thinks America is a cowardly nation so I guess he's okay in my book.

And on that note I'd like to crown Mark Steyn this weeks 'Help Eliot Stein Hurt Children Week' Grand Prize Winner!! Congratulations Mr. Steyn! (grand prize consists of one (1) deluxe super-sized Canadian flag [exceeding twice the surface area of the largest known American flag], sewn from the fibers of shredded American battle flags)

This is embarrassing, but...

Today sucked. I woke up covered in piss and fire ants (as has been the norm lately), so after jacking off and falling back asleep for a couple hours I got up and drew a hot bath.

I filled the tub with about two inches of water and got in, causing only a little bit to spill over the sides. I became too comfortable apparently, and fell asleep, having at least several bowel movements.

The embarrassing part is that I dreamt I was brushing my teeth, but woke up and realized I was in reality dipping my thumb in the shitty bathwater and using it to rub my teeth and gums. I hate myself.

Fuck Richard McBeef!

Yesterday a reader pointed out to me something which he found to be disturbing. Apparently the gunman in Monday's incident at VT wrote some things in his Creative Writing class which alarmed his teacher enough to contact the police. I hadn't heard this story yet.

Anyway, this reader implied to me that two of the killer's written works, Mr. Brownstone and Richard McBeef, bore striking similarities to some of my posts in their profanity and alleged overall puerility.

First off, just because I occasionally talk about chest assholes, broken-glass-oral-sodomy, ocular cumshots, colostomy gang-rape, bitch-slapping kids, stalking women, shitting in someones face, asphyxiatory masturbation/suicide, and poisoning homeless battered women, it doesn't in any way indicate that I'm some potentially dangerous socially retarded loser like he was. His writings were FICTION. What I write about on my Diary is REAL LIFE.

You know, just because that asshole made that shit-headed comparison, I'm reinstating "Help Eliot Stein Hurt Children Week". So there.

I GOT MY ILEO-ANAL POUCH CONNECTED!!! :)

Let me explain: When I had the surgery to remove the tablespoon that I'd mistakenly swallowed, I had a colostomy (actually an ileostomy) installed and since then I've been pooping through a hole on my chest.

I know, I know. That is pretty gross. But everything's cool now, because today I had my ileal pouch surgically connected to my asshole so I can shit normally again!!! Isn't that awesome!? Here's a picture of my healed stoma [my newly unnecessary chest asshole!].



Isn't that beautiful?

I can't wait to take a big beer shit!

Update.

Talk about shitty timing.

In light of today's tragedy at Virginia Tech, 'Help Eliot Stein Hurt Children Week' will be postponed until next week, when it will be okay again. Instead this week will be designated 'Sexy Salacious Sea-Star Sexpics Week'. All of you fellow Echinodermaphiles out there send me your sexiest nude starfish pics. I won't post them, however. Here's a censored photo of my smokin' hot Red Knobbed Starfish (uncensored pics with full genital nudity available upon request).

My tits hurt.

I still have post-Guinea Worm emergence-related tissue damage to both my nipples (don't ask!) and I feel miserable. The painful cracking of the nipple skin and related bleeding are only worsened by the gravitational pressure of the weight of my fat breasts. It's almost unbearable while masturbating. I've created a cream made from pureed aborted babies and the breast milk of underage Malaysian sex slaves that I hope will give me at least mild temporary relief.

Anyway, that reminds me that this week is "Help Eliot Stein Hurt Children Week" [see sidebar]. Please support me in my efforts to mentally/physically hurt innocent children and at the same time give spiritual support to my huge aching nipples.

I got a mean letter today.

Not only are both my cheeks tattooed with images of erect p*nises, thanks to the anonymous jerk who beat me up the other day, but when I went outside to get the mail this morning there was a very rude letter waiting for me. Here is the full text of the note but be warned that some of the language is less than elegant:

Dear Fatfuck,

You are a big fat friendless lonely loser with no life and no worth. You are hated by everyone who's ever met you or known of you. If your personality was a hundred million times better you would be almost as likeable as a gunshot to the asshole. The fact that you even exist is enough to make me not believe in God. In fact if there is a God fuck Him for creating you. You are lower than the waste produced by the bacteria that feed on dung-beetle shit, and not as popular with women. If you have even a sliver of humanity left in the sexless bloated fatsack you call a body, you will immediately take a hammer and hit yourself in the temple as hard as you can. In fact the only way you could begin to partially redeem yourself would be if you intraveinously gave yourself the Ebola virus and then went to a family reunion.

Here's hoping you get ran over by a manure truck, you big sloppy fat fuckin hand-fucker.

Sincerely,
Kill yourself.

Can you believe that garbage? I know I still have some friends out there who will prove this guy wrong by emailing me letters of support to 2inthestink@gmail.com. Thanks in advance for your affectionate tributes. [lays down and jerks off to picture of Rosie O'Donnell]

Also make sure to bookmark it and tell people about it and also click on every single ad on the page. Five times each.

Getting there is easy. Simply scroll down this page until you get to the link section. There are two links: Barry Rides and Gay Sex Tips. Click on Gay Sex Tips to take you to Barryrides.blogspot.com!!! Leave a comment mentioning your disapproval of his outspoken hatred of George Bush!

I was assaulted again :(

Early this morning I awoke to the sound and sensation of rapid-fire slaps to my face. Stunned, I tried to protect myself with my arm fat, but was thwarted by a swift workboot to the heart. "Why are you doing this?" I screamed, tears streaming down my fat face. "Popular demand," the large man answered with a knowing smirk, before slapping me in the eyes. I was then dragged across the floor by my upper jaw to an open space where I was straddled by my assailant and beaten in the forehead with a leather blackjack. As I started to drift off into unconsciousness, I felt the piercing sting of what I think was a tattoo gun on my face.

I've since woken up and my attacker is gone; I'm blogging with one hand from my Blackberry as I haven't yet risen from the spot where I was beaten down. I need to get up and go look at my face in the mirror. As soon as I'm able to I'm gonna do that. [jerks off and falls back asleep]

Jew talkin to ME?

I have a new friend. He's a California Jew like me, and also like me he's somewhat of an internet badass. He even knows HTML. He's a nice guy, even though he has a pretty lousy sense of humor and a very shitty blog. Do him a favor and follow this link, then scroll down a bit and look on the right-hand side of the screen. It's called Barry's Blog, I think.

Life is a big fat bitch.

I just got home from jail (don't ask) and I feel like shit. My face and asshole burn so much, and my eyeballs are infected so I can't enjoy the full 1080p my 78" HDTV provides. I can't drink beer because the gas generated makes my colostomy management very difficult and messy. I have a fire-ant infestation in my house, and when I go to sleep the ants crawl into my orifices and sting my flesh, which is very painful and also terrifying. My skin is peeling, my bedsores have worsened, my belly button smells like there's something dead in there but I can't check, my cat has AIDS, I'm poor as fuck, my mom hates me so much I had to get a restraining order, my asshole is sewn shut after being raped/stabbed there, and I have no friends in the world. And I can't jerk off anymore. :(

If I'm unable to kill myself tonight I'll see you guys later.

I fucked up.

And by "fucked up", I mean I should've had underwear (or at least pants) on when I hid in the bushes yesterday to watch my Easter scheme go down. Turns out the bushes I was hiding in were in fact poison ivy bushes. As I was then unaware of what it was I was sitting in, I unfortunately used the shrub to scratch an itch on my asshole area while impatiently waiting for the homeless ladies to open my trick eggs. Fuck poison ivy. I don't deserve this shit.

Happy Easter!

I feel so happy with myself right now. Last night I was feeling bummed after I pissed my pants while I was changing my colostomy bag. Stressed and demoralized, I decided to take action to better my spiritual health.

Right across the street from my house there's a battered women's shelter that primarily houses women who have been abused in a marriage, usually by an alcoholic, then left poor and homeless after a divorce. I have a friend who works there, and he told me about a special Easter surprise they had planned for the women on Sunday afternoon. All across the backyard of the house, Easter eggs with $100 bills stashed in them were hidden, with one "money" egg for each of the 19 battered women who lives there. The women are to have a special Easter dinner today, after which they'll go to the backyard and have a fun Easter egg hunt, completely unaware of what's inside some of the eggs.

So last night I snuck into their yard and stole all the money out of the eggs, and carefully filled each one with photocopied fake $100 bills which I'd rubbed vigorously with poison ivy leaves. I figured if I got enough of the toxic oil from the plant on the fake bills, the women would unknowingly transmit enough of the oil via their fingers across their eyes, mouths, etc. before they realized that they'd been poisoned, that it would be too late and they'd all get terrible rashes. Right now I'm hiding in the bushes with my binoculars so I can watch it all unfold! If everything goes according to plan, I should feel slightly better. Happy Easter everyone!!

My penis is gone.

And I don't mean that in the usual way. Today I discovered that my already shrinking organ had finally completed its recession into my pubic fat. Not only do I have a gurgling shitbag hanging from my stomach, but now I don't even have the ability to guide my urine stream when I pee. In fact there's not even a stream now; when I piss I have to stand sideways in the bathtub and try as hard as I can to get it going, and when I do it can take up to five minutes to get it all out. It's so humiliating standing in my bathtub and spreading my fat so that urine can drip down my legs into the drain. And it just so happens that I have mirror walls in my shower, so I'm forced to watch myself lose any dignity I might have had left. I fucking hate myself. How could my life possibly get any worse?

I got my teeth fixed!

I know, I know. But I got what I could afford on my "internet pioneer" salary. I'm saving for a platinum and white-gold custom grill with "FUCKTHETROOPS" spelled out in twenty-six carats of crushed perfect Venezuelan diamonds. Any donations would be appreciated.

More like "College Rapebuttlicans" :(

God hates me.

Earlier I was "rescued" by some anonymous "heroes". Rescued from the belief that America is a sometimes decent country, anyway. Not only was I taken (bound to a stretcher) to a dark alley behind the hospital by evil fascists posing as friends, but I was then treated to a "you're so fat" snap session, pelted with trash and rocks, beaten severely in the mouth, genitals, eyes and ears, forcibly removed from my cot and shat upon by eight separate people, pissed on, kicked in the heart, stabbed repeatedly in the mouth with a broken bottle, sodomized with a hunting knife, but, in an act of unbelievable perversity, I was actually gang-raped in my new colostomy hole, then ejaculated on by everyone.

I hope you're happy, Reich-wingers. I'm going home now. [goes home and jerks off]

Freedom!

[blogging from blackberry]

Thank God! Someone apparently read my blog and realized I was in dire need of help escaping from this Walter Reed-esque shitass "hospital"! Just 5 minutes ago or so, several young men (who I presumed to be medical staff at first, since they had on surgical masks and gowns) hurriedly entered my room and told me to be quiet; that they were going to break me out! I silently nodded in agreement, trembling with excitement over the prospect of regaining my freedom and previous lifestyle. Right now these eight individuals are wheeling my stretcher quickly through the back parking lot, towards an alley which I assume is the safest route back to my house and TV. I have no idea who these heroes are (one of them has a ring with a picture of an elephant and "College Re-" something or other; I can't fully make it out because they're running very fast), but believe me, they have my full gratitude! I can't wait to get home and tell all of you about my daring escape! :)

I want to go home.

I'm so bummed. I woke up today covered in hot stool, as my new colostomy bag came off during the night due to my fat rolls shifting. The doctor told me he's gonna have to come up with some kind of custom bag for me; he says I have a body fat percentage of 78, which he says is "unprecedented". Whatever.

Everyone here in the hospital hates me; over the last two days I've required almost constant care and wiping of various body sections. Due to my urinary tract infection I cannot have a catheter which means I'm frequently pissing the bed. On top of all this shitty medical care I was subjected to a post-surgical rant from my doctor yesterday; apparently the intestinal blockage occurred when I unknowingly swallowed a tablespoon while eating a bucket of triple-chocolate butterscotch pecans & praline ice cream. Like that's never happened to him! What an asshole. I gotta bust out of this joint. I miss my TV.

I have to get surgery :(

This morning I woke up to discover that not only had my self-catheterization yesterday resulted in a painful infection, but also that I was severely constipated and nauseous. Alarmed, having never woken up without immediately needing to take a shit, I called my Emergency Room physician. He made some condescending remarks about my supposed "dangerously poor hygiene", then advised me to call the private ambulance to bring me to the ER.

After being examined and X-rayed, I was told I have a mechanical blockage in my bowel, which he said would require emergency surgery. I argued with him at first, since to him everything's an "emergency", but then he told me if I didn't go to the operating room immediately that I would die and therefore miss tonight's Mascot Madness countdown on Animal Planet. So, despite my doc's history of hyperbole and unsolicited medical advice, I agreed. I hope he's fucking happy. Wish me luck everybody.

Big Pimpin.

I just received my copy of Mystery Science Theater 3000 Vol. 10 in the mail. I'm so excited; tonight I'm going to watch volumes 9 and 10 back-to-back, eight movies in all. I've made sure I'm prepared for this marathon; I have all my ready-to-eat bagged snacks on a small table to my right, and a mini fridge with all my frozen microwave meals to my left, with my microwave on top of it. I've made a commitment to myself that I will not under any circumstances interrupt my viewing of these classic episodes, save for the forty-seven seconds (total) it will take me to change discs, plus disc load time of approxiamately sixty-three total seconds. So in order to ensure my complete lack of need for movement, I've moved my cushioned prescription bariatric bedside commode in front of my 78" DLP HDTV for me to sit on while watching; also I've catheterized myself so there will be no need for bathroom breaks. I have my grabbing pincer-tool and my reaching broom so hopefully there won't be any problems.

Enough is enough! or, You know who the FUCK I am?

I've been surfing the internet today, and it seems there's a lot of whiny fascists out there who have a problem with me. Oh yeah? You don't like something I did? Well fuck all of you. I am a founding father of the Internet (or "net" as I once coined it) and a renowned broadcaster with an exceptionally astute and spectacular one-of-a-kind awesome sense of humor. Eliot Stein is not one to be messed with, let me warn you. If anyone, ANYONE dares to cross me, I will make short cyber-work of them toot-sweet. You want a piece of Eliot Stein? I'm waiting...

I was robbed this afternoon.

Any bit of happiness I had in me is gone now. I was the victim of a home invasion today. Four individuals, who may have been very small adults, walked right in through my front door this afternoon and started stealing all my stuff. I tried to stop them, but I had just finished eating a tub of cheesy bacon mashed potatoes (with beef drippings gravy) so I was too tired to stand. These pricks actually sat down for a while and played Pokemon after they realized I was not ambulatory; one of them went so far as to spray-paint a big "L" on my face, after which he pissed at me (I say "at" because I was able to squirm and thrash enough so that some of the urine missed my mouth and eyes!) These bastards then all took shits in my sink and knocked over my $1000+ lamprey aquarium. I feel like shit. I need to jerk off.

I'm a big man.

I've been feeling pretty low today, so I did something to cheer myself up. I heard the ice cream man coming up the street, and it's like 90 degrees today, so I thought, "what an opportunity!"

I put on my underwear, grabbed $400 in cash, and went outside. There were at least twenty kids gathering on the hot sidewalk, eagerly waiting to cool off with some refreshing ice cream treats. So, when the truck pulled up, I pushed my way to the front of the line and bought every single item the guy had, then paid the guy two hundred-fifty dollars if he'd promise to not sell ice cream to any of the kids in my neighborhood from now on; only to me. Then I slapped the two nearest kids in the face and told them all to get fucked, and then went inside and took a nap. I feel better now.

I hate life.

After the bariatric ambulance dropped me back off at my house this morning, I was so depressed by the unjustified dressing-down delivered to me by my stuck-up pretty boy doctor, that I attempted to take my own life. I'd heard that a person could ejaculate multiple times while being asphyxiated, so I figured if I hung myself I might be able to crank one out before I slipped away to heaven. I went through four ropes and zero ejaculations before I realized that I am simply too disgustingly overweight to use hanging as a method. :( I'm so sad; I hate myself so much but I'm so fat and out of shape that I literally can't kill myself. My bed sores hurt. I gotta take a shit.

My ER doctor is a condescending B-hole.

Early this morning when I visited the Emergency Room due to emerging Guinea worms coming out of my nipples and navel, my asshole ER doc took it upon himself to give me a fucking sermon about the dangers of "not ever cleaning" my mouth. He tried to give me some scare tactics, like the fascist he is, by "explaining" to me that my mouth is so "disgusting and disease-ridden" that without emergency dental care, today, that I may have to have my lower jaw removed in order to save my life. What-ev, you snooty motherfucker. I'm gonna go eat some caramel.

My taint won't stop itching.

My home nurse resigned today after I farted/sharted while she was inspecting a stage 2 decubitus ulcer on my buttcrack, spraying her with rotten hairs and shit crumbs. What did she expect; I'm a big nasty big fat fuckin bigass fat loser with with loose bowels and frequent unexpected gas. Whatever man. I've got babes lined up around the corner to do my home care. Bitch.

Why am I such a worthless pile of crap?

I hate myself. Not only am I balding, losing my penis to the ravages of obesity, unable to score with babes higher than a .05, alienated from all my friends and family, outgrowing my prescription toilet, completely covered in a stinky layer of dirty body hair, unable to retrieve my mail without being laughed at and pelted with bottles, developing huge warts on my sand-dollar nipples, and slowly becoming more and more like Chet from the ending of Weird Science, but my doctor tells me I may have contracted a horrifying parasite when I drank ditch water once (I was outside; there was a water fountain available but it was too far to walk to (18 ft)!).

I shit the bed last night.

Yesterday evening while I lay in bed, I felt extreme pressure from what I thought was a mighty beer fart. Unfortunately, I was wrong and when I relaxed my sphincter I soiled my sheets and legs with diarrhea. Just a huge goddamn mess. And I didn't even get up to clean myself until ten o'clock this morning. Man I am a fucking loser.

I shaved my moustache today!

And I think I look sexy!! I had a totally hot date today with this hot stacked babe, but I postponed it until further notice ( I know how to play these ho's, I don't want her to think I'm desperate). So instead I'm gonna add my new Ultra3D PornGrafXXX card to my PC! I have to make sure I make time for myself, you know!

I jerked off and got semen in my eyes. (I am a disgusting pig)

The problem I think lies with my natural hunchback positioning while I am beating my pinky. What I did not expect was the stinging and redness in my eyes afterward. Take my advice; when jerking off aim away from your face or you will end up with Red Eye!

My mom hates me.

Today, my mother called me to say she'd seen an article on FoxNews.com alleging that I did something so inhuman, so incredibly low, that she could no longer love me. Whatever. I don't need that fat ugly skeezer anyway. Everyone (including me) knows she is a lousy lay who gives bad head. Fuck that old fat bitch.

My celibacy may be close to an end!

Yes, that's right. Yesterday I met the most wonderful person, who I think is a woman. She's been a little standoffish ever since I told her yesterday that I'm in love with her. She can play hard to get if she wants, she can even try to hide from me; obviously she doesn't know what Eliot Stein is all about.